Bodybuilding and Air Travel Aren't Friends

I am sitting in an airport.  A small Montana airport, I have the luxury of a unique runway/mountain view and not much else.  A coffee stand, a kitschy gift shop for Glacier-headed tourists and a restaurant and bar aptly seemingly named after a ranch hand are about it.  Unless you count the vast array of mounted animals and western-themed art – in that case there are lots of things.

For the record, I actually like being in airports.  I even sort of like the waiting.  Having spent a good part of my childhood jetting between Montana and the Netherlands, there is something about being in an airport that just feels like I’m going home.  The sterility, the crappy food, the overpriced everything offer a strange comfort that I love.

But while I generally love the whole airport experience, this time it’s different.  Where in the past my only major considerations have been how to effectively utilize every last one of my permitted 50 pounds of baggage, this time – on my way to a competition – I had an awful lot more to consider.  And being that this is my first time flying to one of these shindigs, all of those considerations have been a very new and strange experience.  I have effectively taken the varied complications of travel and managed to make them as complex as possible.

Don’t Ruin the Sheets
First, I had to remember that Friday marks the horrible ritual that is tanning.  Once I have been shellacked, it is my very most important job not to mess that tan up.  This responsibility goes hand in hand with not messing anything else up.  When staying in a hotel where everything is white and pretty and did I mention WHITE, this is a major pain the ass.

Weighed and bagged like a food
drug dealer over here.

So of course to avoid leaving a crime scene for the laundry staff, I had to pack my own sheets.  And let me tell you, that shit takes up space because I either have to bring a sheet and a blanket or a sheet large enough to turn me into a human burrito.  I opted for the latter because it took up slightly less space.

But then I also needed to fit a towel because at hotels they make those all fluffy and white too.  A towel I totally forgot.  Luckily this gave me the perfect excuse to run to Target preflight.  And this lady loves her some Target in ways that are likely inappropriate.  Got my Target, got my towel, lost more space in my bag.

Yearning for Airline Food

Then there is the food.  Sheets and towels are nothing in comparison to effectively packing multiple days of regimented contest diet food.  I’m used to cooking food in bulk so I can easily grab it for one of my six daily meals, what I’m not so used to is having to effectively pack all that food on a flight without the luxury of a fridge or a cooler or Tupperware.

What’s a hungry bikini competitor to do?!  She buys some freezer bags, cooks her ass off and painstakingly weighs, labels and packs each meal she’s going to put in her face for the next four days; that’s six perfectly portioned meals a day.  Then she freezes each individual bag in a larger, daily bag and puts all those proteins and carbs in her checked bag.  Except for Thursday of course.  That Ziploc comes with her and gives her the pleasure of watching TSA manhandle her tilapia while discussing how good asparagus is roasted in olive oil and covered in cheese.  There is no olive oil and cheese here, sir.

This whole food experience also necessitated that I consider how to pack egg whites and oats effectively.  While I normally just enjoy those all microwaved into a bowl of total delicious, that wouldn’t work so well for travel.  So I bought the tinniest pan, blended my oats into oat flour, mixed that with my whites and made some delicious little pancakes.  Because if you can make something into a pancake batter consistency you can probably make a pancake.  Trust me.

Other things to consider:

Eating my oats & whites and typing
this post in the airport.

• My hotel thankfully has a minifridge: I can keep my fish cold!
• My hotel doesn’t have a microwave: I have to eat my fish cold…
•  Corn Thins or Rice Cakes should be carried with you unless you want cereal later (thank goodness I considered this early).

Random Shit
And if all that wasn’t enough, there are the little random things you need to remember as a competitor.  Your jewelry, your lashes, your totally-too-dark makeup, your NPC competitor card, your butt glue, your tanning clothes, your random pills/supplements, your sanity.  It’s enough to make your head spin.

Thankfully, as I know sit in a basic, king hotel room, it seems I at least did a decent job.  I’m here.  My food is here.  My suit is here.  Now I just wish tomorrow was here.  The work is done.  For now.

The Big Sky Championship and What's Next

It's been over a week since the NPC Big Sky Championship.  Meaning to write this post more than once, time got away from me in a big way.  Now, here I sit, writing all of this far later than I should have, less than a week from my next show.  Yes, I compete again this Saturday; it snuck up on me too.

But before we look forward, lets look back.  As you may recall, before I so rudely interrupted all of us with my lack of posting, the Big Sky marked my very first show of the season.  This show - close to home and one I've competed in before - was meant to serve as somewhat of a warmup for my show this weekend, The Emerald Cup, in Seattle.

My class in it's entirety.  I feel bad for the
girl behind the podium.

Of course that was all good in theory as so many things tend to be.  What I had thought would be a smaller show ended up being not only the largest group of girls I have competed against, but perhaps the most competitive as well.  Rather than being the groups of twelve or thirteen I had grown accustom to, I found myself competing against what was supposed to be eighteen totally bangin' ladies.  I say supposed to be eighteen because there ended up only being seventeen of us on stage.  I can only assume the last competitor pooped her bikini in a horrific accident of sparkles, poo and tan.  It was probably as tragic as it sounds.

Anyway, when you get backstage, realize the size of your class and start to notice how totally ripped all of these tall girls are you can totally let that shit mess with your head.  And for a minute (or several) it did.  My mind, as so often happens to us women, got the better of me in all sorts of ways that weren't acceptable for a girl about to prance around in a bikini in front of a couple thousand people.  I started comparing and sneaking glances and sizing up every women in a bikini who appeared over 5'7.  The beauty of this is you then have hours on end to continue checking people out and cutting yourself down before you actually compete against one another.  That simply will not do.

Me, Justin and shitton of hair and makeup.

So I did what any smart woman would do, I listened to some Justin Timberlake.  Say what you will, but to me that man is a freaking musical genius who's sweet words make me feel like one hot piece of ladycandy.  Listening to the strains of "That Girl" and "Mirrors" more times over than is likely prudent, I let Mr. Timberlake tell me how totally gorgeous and wonderful I was in all my fake hair/lashes/tan glory.  He was telling me I was one bad bitch.  As far as I'm concerned, Justin knows his shit.

Waiting in the wings, second to go on stage in my class, I literally sung the lyrics to myself in my head. It probably sounds remarkably lame, but it was just what I needed to put on my swag and stand out enough amongst all those hot broads to make first call-out during prejudging.  Now, you might recall that this generally means that you have made the top five and placed.  Only they called six numbers.  No guarantees on this particular Saturday afternoon.  One of us wasn't making the cut.

But then, not only did I make the call-out, I was asked to move from the side of the group to right, smack dab in the center.  And that is an awful lot more of a guarantee.  While it certainly didn't indicate a win, it meant the odds of me making the top five were almost one hundred percent.  In fact, at this point, I would later find out that a very many people thought that I'd taken the whole thing; I was not among this group.

While I knew I'd made the top five, I had the winner pegged from the very start.  She was toned and totally gorgeous and had shoulders that made my delts totally envious.  Now for many, including my trainer who had me eating like I had won my class and would be going for the overall title for the rest of the day, this was in fact why she perhaps shouldn't have won - she was very muscular.  I agree that she skirted the line of being too muscular for our division, but every judge put her ahead of me.  And I agreed with them.

Even not having won in my mind, there is still nothing more exciting than coming back for the night show and being called in that top five.  All five women enter, stand to the back of the stage and wait for their name to be called.  Five, four, three.  With each number that isn't you it becomes increasingly more nerve wracking.  I imagine that it's how Miss America feels (if Miss America could do pull-ups and stood half naked when being crowned of course).

The top five.

Then, at second place, I hear my name.  It's exciting as shit.  In the most competitive class I've competed in I managed to make top five.  I also managed to make top three, meaning I further extended my national qualifying for a third time.  I figure if it keeps happening it must be true.

And that, one post-show reward meal and a whole lot more tilapia later, brings us here.  Once again I'm at the start of another peak week look toward the stage on Saturday.  We've tweaked a few things, changing some macronutrient ratios, with the hopes of bringing an even better look when the lights go up in Seattle.  I'll be amongst thirteen hardworking, dedicated ladies including the winner of my class at the Big Sky.  Any given Sunday, they say.

But regardless of what happens this weekend in Seattle, at what is perhaps one of the largest amateur shows in the nation, it's pretty much been decided that a run at nationals is in my future.  In fact, my first potential national show is so very close in my future that travel plans are already being considered.  It's exciting and scary all at once.  It tastes of dreams and goals and hard work paying off.  That's a post for another time though.

For now, as I contemplate moving forward to another level, I will point out that I am always appreciative of help towards my goal.  I really am not one to ask for anything, but appreciate even small sponsorship contributions.  On that note, you will notice that this blog intentionally has no ads; I don't wish to bombard my readers with unimportant crap.  Instead, I choose to leave any monetary contribution up to all of you.  For me, writing is a labor of love, I expect nothing in return unless you see fit.  If that is the case, please visit my sponsorship page where I accept all donations large and small.

Proof of Existence

Don't worry, I wasn't sacrificed at my last NPC bikini competition.  I've just been lazy.  And working on the final project of my MBA.  And lazy.

Expect a post this evening, but until then please accept this picture as proof of my continued existence.

Boooom!

Contest Prep: Competitors

In honor of my first show of the season this Saturday, I'm going to spend this week talking about various components of competition day.  From the tan to secrets of what goes on backstage to the aftermath, consider this a crash course into the strange world that is competitive bodybuilding.

Backstage at the Washington Ironman this fall.
Roman Cristofaro Photgraphy

It seems to be pretty common that when people hear I compete in bodybuilding shows, they simply assume that it's a vanity thing.  Not so much that it's vain on my part, but that the majority of competitors are totally in love with themselves.  In fact more than once I've had people point this out to my by saying things, "but isn't it hard for a person like you to be around all those people who are so self-absorbed?"

I'm guessing people say things like this because while I generally look like complete garbage and don't give two shits about it 98% of the time, bodybuilders as a whole can seem pretty self-invovled and totally infatuated with the person staring back at them in the mirror.  After all, this sport is judged entirely base on aesthetics and standards built on that premise; I can totally see where the stereotype would come from.  Shoot, I'd say that when I began this journey I was prepared to feel totally turned off and out of place among the hardbodies.  I assumed just like everyone else.

What's been surprising to me since I began competing though is how genuinely down to earth the majority of competitors are.  Yes, I've certainly met a few that are vapid, shallow and all together too worried about themselves, but most certainly haven't fallen in this category.  Most are there for the physical pursuit, the competition and often to prove to themselves that they can do it.  I have met more competitors who have lost 50, 70, 100 or more pounds than I count.  For a lot people - especially the women - it's about marking a life changing event.

It's funny, but it's always seemed to me that the more self-involved competitors have been male.  The makeup and ridiculous bikinis are no match for the guys.  In fact, most of the mirror space backstage is not filled with women, but with dudes getting their flex on.  In this girl's opinion male bodybuilders are far more in love with themselves than most of the ladies on the stage.  It's probably why my boyfriend is a video game nerd and not a 4% body fat muscle man.

Competitors and now friends.
Roman Cristofaro Photgraphy

All that being said, lets go ahead and talk a bit more candidly about the competition.  Yes, I've met lifelong friends and beautiful souls in this sport, but they are beautiful souls with nice abs.  And competition.  Things that go through your mind:

• Competitors meeting:  Held in the morning before the show, this is when they tell you all the rules, how the day will progress, posing that might be different and just how things work in general.  This is also when you start looking out for possible competition.  It's impossible to not spend half the meeting scanning the room for girls that could potentially be in your class.  Only at this point they are all in sweats with varying degrees of finished hair and makeup.  You don't know shit, but you still analyze the crap out of every girl near to your height.
• Backstage: Once you move backstage you start to get a better idea of who might actually be up against you.  You can't help but compare.
• Right before going on stage: Sweats and robes are now all off.  You see everyone.  You know who will be next to you.  You realize you'll be up there with some hot ladies.  You might crap yourself.

And then it's over.  You can be friends.  Friends that wonder who will place where when the finals start.

Contest Prep: Tilapia, Baby Cereal and the Secret Stash

In honor of my first show of the season this Saturday, I'm going to spend this week talking about various components of competition day.  From the tan to secrets of what goes on backstage to the aftermath, consider this a crash course into the strange world that is competitive bodybuilding.

For upwards of twelve weeks, every morsel of food which has entered your body has been weighed, measured and otherwise accounted for.  While in my case it seems to be assumed that I don't eat a damn thing, in fact I've been a nearly constant state of stuffing my face every 2.5 to 3 hours.  And not just stuffing my face, but making sure I come as close to possible as hitting a specific macronutrient profile. That's science talk for making sure I ingest a certain ratio of protein, carbs and fat.  It can be as much of a pain in the ass as it sounds.  It also delivers faster results and makes my body feel happy.  It's a give and take.

And while all that is strange for most people, things get even weirder the closer you get to showtime.  This is when some competitors drop carbs, eat specific vegetables and source the leanest protein possible.  It's crunch time and a diet that was strict becomes even more rigid.

This show, I am an exception to this rule.  Generally I too have made many of these drastic changes, but this time things have been considerably easier.  Therefore, when others are cutting carbs, I have stayed pretty much to the same ratio as before with only marginal manipulation in the end of my week.  Last peak week was not this way, you can read about that by clicking here.

But hearing about how awesome my life is going hardly makes for good blog content.  As humans we like train wrecks and misery and drama.  I accept that and thus present you a rundown of the things I've seen competitors eat in the days before/of a show.

Tilapia and more tilapia.

Tilapia: White.  Boring.  Lean as all hell.  Tilapia, while enjoyed by many competitors throughout their prep, becomes the protein of choice during the final weeks of preparation.  Some competitors will go so far as to replace every protein at every meal with the fish.  Yes, this includes breakfast.  So while I'm over here still making love to my egg whites and oat bran some poor schmuck is starting their day with a balanced breakfast of tilapia.  The chances that this same schmuck is ending his/her day with the same boring tilapia are good.

Asparagus: To accompany the tilapia, most competitors will switch any and all vegetable source to asparagus.  Not only is asparagus practically water, but it acts as a diuretic clearing water from your system.  So it makes you pee.  It also makes your pee smell funny.  It's part of the natural gifts of the stuff.  For some competitors, asparagus will not only replace their veggies, but their carbs as well since many will deplete carbs at this stage.  Imagine six meals a day of tilapia and asparagus.  I've seen it.  I've ALMOST done it.  I managed to squeak by with only three meals.  It still sucked.

Carbs of choice:  The carbs that are enjoyed are varied, but I have found that brown rice, rice cakes and sweet potato seem to be the go-to carb sources.  These are pretty standard throughout your contest preparation.  What is not as common, is the addition of baby rice cereal.  Yup, like the shit you feed to babies.  Easy to digest and fortified, the stuff is both easy on you and good for you.  In fact I have a box in my pantry right now.  It's strange, but not awful; it mostly tastes like nothing.  I just put a shit-ton of cinnamon in it because I am addicted to cinnamon.  In fact my cinnamon addiction might even make me eat it by choice.  Maybe.

Distilled water:  Now I'm not on this bandwagon after doing some research (which proved to me that the difference is not enough to matter), but some competitors will only drink distilled water.  While some do this all the time, it becomes more common at the end because of the worry about excess sodium.  I just do my regular filtered water thing.  It's cheap and it tastes better.

Moving to show day, there are some pretty standard staples of backstage eats.  During the competition competitors eat light and fairly often.  While it's still a lot of lean protein, other items are also eaten to specifically promote optimum stage look (carbs, fats, sugars).  Some things are just yummy and keep you going.  Either way, the choices seem to be fairly standard probably because they are easy to transport.  These include the following:

• Rice cakes
• Peanut butter
• Jelly/honey: many people will eat something with a high sugar content right before going on stage.  This not only can help with your pump, but help you maintain your flex.  They also help you not pass out when you're dehydrated and pushing your body.  That would be bad.
• Candy: again with the sugar thing.  I've seen lots of M&Ms, Reese's Pieces and Snickers.  I've never done this, but I'd probably go Pixi Stix for the quick sugar rush.
• Wine: while this should be kept on the downlow because it's somewhat unprofessional, wine can make you look more vascular and is a popular choice.  Plus it's yummy as yummy can be.

The last time I competed, I had chicken breast for some protein as well as sweet potato which I had little bites of throughout the morning.  I then had grapefruit about a half hour before I went on stage.  If you do that, I highly advise you cut it prior unless you want to mess up the gorgeous tan that you're doing your very best to preserve.  Grapefruits and tans are not friends.

And then of course, there is the secret stash.  The secret stash is all the wonderful things that competitors start pulling out their bags after they leave the stage.  It's full of candy and cookies and other naughtiness that has been off limits for weeks on end.  It is pure food porn.  I have seen competitors dive into whole cakes with both hands.  I have seen pizzas delivered.  I have seen people do unmentionable things to carb and sugar-laden foodstuffs.

PB&J Emerald Nuts and some Justin's for
after the show. WANT.

Often times, these stashes of food grow over the course of several months.  Because of this I have seen both in person and on Instagram (because I'm addicted to effin' Instagram) collections of horrible-for-you food that are quite frankly alarming.  For some this will cause a downward, post-contest cycle.  It's brutal.

Interestingly, for myself, though I have had past preps filled with cravings, this time I can honestly say I haven't really had any.  Where generally I lust after chocolate and crave an assortment of awful things, this time around I've actually been pretty content.  It seems as if all that stuff about resetting your body and the foods it desires might actually be the truth.  In fact this time my secret stash is composed primarily of nuts and peanut butter; things that in moderation aren't actually bad for you at all, but rather quite the opposite.  While I will admit to having one bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs in the freezer, this purchase was made not based on craving, but rather on the realization that they only come out once a year.  It's the nuts and peanut butters this girl wants.

Yes, I'll go out and have a treat meal and enjoy myself, but I won't go crazy and gorge myself like the first couple times.  That just made me absolutely miserable.  Bloated.  Miserable.

Contest Prep: Pumping Up

In honor of my first show of the season this Saturday, I'm going to spend this week talking about various components of competition day.  From the tan to secrets of what goes on backstage to the aftermath, consider this a crash course into the strange world that is competitive bodybuilding.

So at this point I think it's pretty safe to assume that you get that the point of everything bodybuilders do is to look as good as possible the moment they step on stage.  The tan, the posing, the color of your suit is all calculated and purposeful; things aren't left to chance.

Now I'm going to change subjects here for a second so bare with me.  If you've lifted before, you're probably familiar with "the pump."  The pump is what happens to a given body part during and after lifting weights.  Imagine, for example, that you're working your arms.  You're lifting shoulders and biceps and moving through your exercises.  As you do so you might start to notice that your muscles start to look bigger and better.  You might even notice a vein or two.  You might think you look good enough to through a little flex in.  Your arms look super legit and you want the world to know it.

All of this will happen.  CREDIT.

Basically what's going on is that as you work the muscle blood flow is increased making the muscle appear visually larger.  Think of it like a water balloon.  A water balloon made of flesh and blood.  Yummy.

Anyway, now that I got just a smidgen scientific on you, back to the task at hand.  Everything done on the day of the competition is meant to enhance what you've been working on.  You've lifted, you've leaned-out.  Why not make those muscles look really good?  This is where pumping up comes in.  In fact every show I've competed in actually has an area specifically for this purpose.  It is aptly named the pump up area.

Here woman men in posing trunks (speedos) and woman in bikinis perform standard lifting techniques to achieve maximum fullness in their muscles before going on stage.  Using dumbbells, resistance bands or good old body weight every inch of provided mirror space will be filled with a scantily clad, extremely fit, disturbingly tan individual curling, pressing or pulling.  As different classes near their time on stage, the scene will change from men to women and back again, but the area is always occupied.

There is something very strange about lifting half naked and in heels that I can't help but find funny.  It just looks absolutely ridiculous.  But it's also very necessary.  In a sport that has a heavy emphasis on symmetry, pumping up is your opportunity to focus on certain maybe not-so-symmetrical spots.  For me, I tend to concentrate on my shoulders because my legs are more defined and as a woman it's more common to lose upper body size when you drop body fat.  So I'll be there Saturday toned, tanned and doing shoulder presses and lat raises like crazy.

Accurate. CREDIT.

I'll also bring my own set of dumbbells and resistance bands.  There are never enough of either of these things backstage so being prepared is always best.  Yes, I own my own dumbbells.  I'm cool like that.

What I'll do will probably involve some of the following:

• High repetitions of shoulder type moves
• High repetitions of bicepie (technical term) type moves
• Might as well through in some high repetitions of tricep type moves
• Trying to step on a resistance band in heels in order to do some of these moves - this will be comical
• Looking at myself in the mirror and realizing how totally ridiculous all of this is
• Thinking, "Hey, everybody, come over here and see how good I look" - Will Farrell voice required

As you can tell it's a highly scientific process.  Gotta get those blood-filled water balloons looking tight and looking right.  As the not so great Black Eyed Peas once said, "Pump, pump, puuump it up!"

Contest Prep: Stripper Heels, Butt Glue and Other Stuff that Makes a Difference

In honor of my first show of the season this Saturday, I'm going to spend this week talking about various components of competition day.  From the tan to secrets of what goes on backstage to the aftermath, consider this a crash course into the strange world that is competitive bodybuilding.

When you're on stage, everything matters.  As you might know at this point of my blog, picking a bikini is torture and tanning is hell; training and diet sometimes end up feeling like the easy part.  You can be conditioned as hell, but if you don't present well on stage because of some little thing or other you can totally shoot yourself in the well-tanned foot and place second instead of first.  While the body and its symmetry and tone are the central component, how you show it off matters too.

Posing practice.  In stripper heels.  And socks.
Via Instagram (follow me and shit)

All of that "total package presentation" thinking means that when you step your ass in front of those bright lights you better have everything on point. First off, this means posing.  While the posing is very different across divisions (bikini, bodybuilding, figure, etc.), it is all practiced, rehearsed and drilled into your muscle memory.  Yes, in addition to hitting the weights and watching what you eat you will also be doing lots of posing practice.  For me, this means once a week classes with my trainer and a few other girls who also compete.  It also means bringing heels to the gym and looking like a totally deranged hoochie (more on that later) as additional practice on my own.

Now in my division I've actually got it pretty easy.  While all divisions have some required, mandatory posing, bikini girls are only required to do a front pose, back pose and a stage walk.  Other divisions have a lot more to do because they have a lot more to show off.  Bodybuilders, for example, have to do many poses meant to best highlight their flexed muscles.  And that shit looks hard.  Here I am prancing around on stage like a most epic rainbow pony while these huge, dehydrated dudes are expected to go up there and play Thor.  I mean I do find some of the bodybuilding stuff marginally creepy - get ready for that future discussion - that doesn't make it any less difficult.

Of course those guys don't have to go on stage and do their thing in lucite stripper heels.  Yes, fitness made me walk my ass into an adult store and buy some clear heels (pole not included).  Now for the record these are not the type of clear heels that have a three inch platform that could moonlight as a fish tank, but rather nice four inch heels with an itty-bitty platform.  They're still not the type of shoes one would wear in polite company; these are meant for stage and stage only.  And while technically the rules don't dictate what shoes we wear, everyone wears the lucite heels because:

1. Being clear they don't attract the eye, thus detracting from what is being judged.  The idea is that clear shoes are less noticeable and blend rather than standout.
2. Every one is doing it.

Of course shoes are not the only accessory consideration.  Additionally, it's common practice to be dripping in as much shitty rhinestone jewelry as human possible.  Never in my life did I anticipate the need to match bracelets and earrings to a bikini.  Then again I never anticipated wearing a bikini on stage in baby stripper heels.  So now I guess it's not so weird when I anxiously wait prom season so I can buy as many rhinestone bangles as I can find.  What's difficult about this is that having small wrists I like stretchy bracelets.  The finding of big, stretchy, rhinestone bracelets has been a major pain in my ass.  Beyond the bracelets, I also wear rings and earrings; necklaces are never worn.  It's science.

Yup, this happens to me.  CREDIT.

But perhaps the greatest accessory of all is not my posing routine or that which adorns my body.  The most crucial of all things is BUTT GLUE.  Yes, such a thing actually exists and it is crucial to having a good day in the world of fitness competing.  Because the suits are at once very small and required to fit certain coverage parameters (though certain shows are more or less strict on this front), it is not a choice but a requirement to make sure that thing isn't going to end up inside your ass.  Without glue the odds that your tiny bikini will all together disappear are very, very good.  While you can buy actual glue called Bikini Bite that is specifically meant for this purpose (real life), I have found that the best option is good ol' 3M spray adhesive.  Much like a fourth grade science fair poster board, I am sprayed and stuck and that bikini is not going anywhere.  This requires both a friend you don't mind getting all up in your behind and the acceptance that the probability of skin loss is high.  It just comes with the territory.

Oh, and you'll also want boob pads and more boob pads.  Unless you have a really good surgeon and a good line of credit.  Then you can forget that part.